Prayer

This fervent plea

This desperate hope

I send out to you

In hopes you will answer

I do not expect

Only seek

I do not demand

Only imagine

This moment of quiet chaos

My hammering heart inside

Holding myself rigid, taut

Against the storm raging in me

All I ask is for relief

A lifting of the burden

To where I can still bear it

Not be crushed under its weight

Busy weekend

We sway underneath landscapes of plastic clouds

While ginger angels play their harps and croon so sweetly

We wander underneath crop circles

As the smell of gunpowder still lingers

We venture into the marble unknown

Sipping on chardonnay, waiting for ghosts to appear

We wade through the thick, dark fog

Searching for horrors untold, sharing secret smiles

We explore the neon exotic neighborhoods

Drinking salty broth, eating tender noodles

We maneuver the strange and unusual crowd

Avoiding encounters, evading confrontations

We lay on the sweet green grass in the dappled sunlight

Feasting, recording, laughing, trying not to cheat

We explore a genius’ progress through lines

Comparing his beginnings to his end

We consume this city so fully

We peek around every corner

We gobble up all its secrets

And know it has so many more to tell

Sweet surrender

As the sun sliding over the horizon
Gold creeping along the edges
I feel this steady building
A heavy expansion from within
Gently pushing against my ribcage
Delicately tapping at the tip of my spine
Echoing through the caverns of my mind
Caressing my skin from within
Spreading this glinting sensation
As surely as the rays pierce the sky
Warming my nerves to tingle
Setting my flesh to blushing heat
My eyes flutter against the sound
My muscles clench in languorous desire
Chills crisscross along and through me
And I don’t even try to fight this
My fingers itch to express
My knuckles ache with emotion
My shoulders gyrate to ease the tension
My neck drops in surrender
I know better than to focus
I give in to this sensation
The eternal hope of dawn
The constant relief of music

Motivation

Every pound I burn

Is one I no longer have to bear

A small weight falling from my shoulders

Slowly but surely, dripping away

Every inch, every centimeter I lose

I feel the slightest difference

A new dimension to discover

A space that wasn’t there before

I chronicle my constant progress

I celebrate my little victories

I know the road ahead is long

And I gladly take each step one by one

Image

I am a reflection, your perception
Nothing more than angles and opinions
I am all you believe me to be
Nothing more, nothing less
A constantly changing mirage
An evolution of memories and actions
Trends and quotes and tendencies
All lined up to create who you think I am
As well as you think you know me
As much as you see of my secret heart
Know that someone else has seen me, as well
And I was a completely different person in their eyes

Gift

I promised you the moon
So that you could pull me to you like the tide
 I promised you the stars
 So that I could see them shine in your eyes
 I clutch you in my arms
 Like every childhood treasure I ever had
 I press my lips to yours
 To prove they are perfectly matched
 I wear your ring on my finger
 A small and sacred shackle to your heart
 I give all that I am to you
 Such a small gift to show my love for you

New World

I hear the music and a cathedral is erected
The tears trail and I want all to be darkness
Just so I can hear it more clearly
Give in to every vocal, every crescendo, ever beat
I have nothing but gratitude for this visceral reaction
This moment of complete and total vulnerability
Where I am lost and abandoned and surrendered
My skin aches and my muscles are slack and I am at complete peace

Sweetheart

My sweetheart, with your sweet heart
 Filled with chocolate kisses and sugared words 
Stuffed to the brim with good intentions and devotion
 Overflowing with all the hours we’ve shared
 Bursting at the seams with romantic gestures and poems
 Chock full of love and time and light
 Your sweet heart is a prize, a mystery box of unknown wonders
 Your sweet heart is a juicy confection for me to gobble up
 Your sweet heart is cradled inside my own, safe and sound
 Your sweet heart is all I could ever want for in this world

Perspective

Your heart is torn
And your mind is troubled
An uneven balance is struck
And all information is weighed
After endless hours
You’re still not sure of what is right
After sleepless nights
You’ve still yet to make a choice
The past battles the present
The then fights the now
Leaving one makes you hate the other
Upon arrival, you wish you had never left
Guilt meets longing meets hope
And all you can do is sigh
You look for that deciding factor
That moment that will make it all clear
Then you realize the simple truth of it
A shift in perception changes everything
The world turns upside down, right side up
And it’s all so obvious
You have two options
Two inspirations
Two loves
Two lives
You have access to either
Neither is lost forever
Both are filled with love and beauty
Both always wait for you
How is that anything to mourn?

Anticipation

And so it begins, the inevitable yearning
My heart swells within me as if to burst through the flesh
Break free, fling itself across the miles and through the hours
Reconcile with its one true home and nestle there for always
Cradled in delicate spanish moss, lacy and mysterious
Measured by cobblestone streets, structured and guiding
Haunted with love by stone angels, washed with tears and rain
Nurtured by strangers and lovers alike, embraced with equal regard
This devotion, tempered to save my sanity
A time bomb, set to explode when allowed
The emotions take over and thoughts give way
Leaving me with tear-blurred vision and aching skin

Strange Sentimentality

I almost desire to return to that moment of confused silence
The absence of sound, the absence of color
Shocked and left wondering what to do
False peace among the chaos
Too lost to start anew, still unable to reestablish bearings
All that’s left is to gaze at the destruction
Take mental and emotional inventory of all that is wrong
Hyperfocus on the most minute details over and over again
Lines and space and darkness
Severed connections and hollow audio
Familiars made strange and alien
Stillness, fragile and raw
I wish to immerse myself in it yet again
So that I can build it up once more
Experience and endure such loss and pain
So that I can enjoy such pleasure all the more

Resolution

Its so easy to take that step back
Away from the situation, the feelings
If you have another place to rest
If you’re all on your own
You take your space so far
To be left lost and cold
You must become your own anchor
A rock, an island, a fortress
Alone, withheld, and secure
Become yet again your own master
Forge your armor anew
Shroud your heart, steel your mind
Remember the lessons you learned
Forgive the mistakes you made
Focus on the skills you gained
Fix your sight on what is to be
Shed the weight of regrets
Move ever onward, toward the horizon

Stormy Night

The anguish crests, the tears break
As waves thrown upon a shore
The loneliness sweeps along
As the tide drawn to the moon
This helpless agony, as steady as the sea
Anger, then sullen silence, then a storm of emotion
Squalling in rage, sobbing in grief
Searching for a port, a light to guide a path
No safe harbor, no solid land
All is tossing and turning
All is darkness and clouded night
All is heaving, drowning and choking

I know the time passes for so long
And I know the energy spent crying
Could be otherwise spent dialing your number
But sometimes my fingers ache at the thought
The best of heroes can turn to the worst of villains
For love and hate are two sides of the same coin
But what’s the point of taking a chance and placing a bet
When the price itself is in constant question
Maybe if we were to be known to each other
We could find common ground in conversation
The sweetness of blood oranges
The snobbery of unknown bands
Or it might all be silence and the echo of years
You, thinking you know who I am
Me, mourning that I have no clue who you are
Siblings turned strangers, half our lives apart
I don’t ask for you to be my father
I don’t expect you to see me as a friend
I just wish for you to acknowledge me as your sister
See me as who I am, not who you believe I was

There had been a fire years ago
And the only company the house had was ghosts
I had gone in on a recovery mission
Hoping to find something among the ashes
There on a table, surrounded by debris and dust
A sketchbook of yours, pristine and untouched
Inside, I found a reflection
Myself, in sketches, memories, and photos
All the angles, all the colors, all the textures
Black and blonde and red hair
Dresses made of feathers and velvet and lace
Sunsets on the beach, parties in the kitchen
I saw my youth in all its vibrant glory
All my mistakes and rewards
I gazed at the proof of my former beauty and foolishness
Then searched for you so I could return it

Time Passing

My breathing slows of its own volition
To pace the sweeping melody of the strings
My lungs contract, expand, fill, release
As if to absorb every note flowing through the music
I am dizzy, I am spellbound, I am lost
Moved by such elegant beauty
To the point where seconds cease to pass
And I am invisible to the world
This moment of stilled storm
As my heart aches with joy
My eyes glaze and drift shut
My soul is quiet and at peace.

Mapping

I find what’s familiar and I follow the old routes
Mentally navigating past haunts and favorites
These geographic daydreams of mine
Help temper the bitter distance of miles and years
Making my way through varied neighborhoods
From Frenchman to Decatur to Canal
Winding along River Road to Clearview
Downtown to Uptown to Metairie to Kenner
I could spend hours driving through my hometown
Noting missed spots for future reference
Shying away from unnecessary landmarks and memories
Taking my time refreshing my internal maps
 

Entertaining after the fact

Sitting in a chair, feeling my spine twist
As he feels the muscles, tries to ease the pain
He freezes, fingers tense
Fearing he caused the crooked bones
We perch at the end of the hallway
Misshapen forms in leather, vinyl, velvet
I see a monster lurching toward me
Is it real? An illusion brought about by chemicals?
A giant with a stretched face
Fetish gear and whips
Only later do I find out
He was Chewbacca
Spending hours in a darkened room
Illustrating spirit animals while listening to harmonious violence
A lovely girl goes to use the bathroom
And doesn’t exit for hours
She is in the elevator to hell
We are the demons who tempt and torture her
She is Adam, she is Eve
She is the Beginning and the End
We careen through the Quarter
Alligator dragons
RBG monsters on bicycles
Melting faces of mimes once beloved
A friend thought lost
Finds his way to us
Across the city
Following the trail of feathers
We travel to the Gulf
Hold court in a minivan
Journey across the sand
A desert made of dead infants
Crying out, faces in agony
I keep my eyes on the distance
So as to not look down
When I step on their noses

Reminisce

There is no way you can understand the pain, and I pray you never do. Imagine your secret, sacred heart- the place where all is known. A danger is coming, and while you wish nothing more than to stay, you know you must leave. Your dearest friends are gone, left to an uncertain destination. You try to beat the stampede, but are caught in the mad throng of fearful abandonment. Over fourteen hours to make a journey that would usually take two. Hoping against hope that it's not as bad as they say. Sitting in a hotel lobby, alone, watching the horror unfold in grainy resolution. Watching your home, your love, your life washed away in dirty storm water. Watching people wade through a stew of oil and filth. Hearing stories of violence and murder and pain. Seeing the spray-painted signs on doors, knowing there is human rot waiting behind. These images are etched over the memories you have made. The street you had walked down countless times is the scene of death- corpses left in the street, a discarded blanket the only cover. The bar you spent hours at, talking with friends, is making a desperate stand against looters and villains. Knowing it will be a long time before you can return home, and that the life you lived is completely gone forever. You bide your time in a city you grow to hate. You try to prepare yourself for what it will be like when you're finally allowed to return home. Relief mixes with dread, mixes with hope, mixes with despair. When you make the long journey home, you are greeted with a shadow of the former glory. What once was bright and joyous is now feeble and fragile. The water lines on houses. The dirt in the air. The mountains of refuse. The stench of spoiled food from fridges on every corner. The absence of music. The city is a ghost town. There are more military vehicles than civilian. Your friends are gone, scattered to the winds. You don't know if you'll ever see them again. You stagger down the familiar streets and search for something to cling to. You are home. But you know nothing will ever be the same.

6 Years

A witness to a drowning
Helpless to all but observation
A spectator, bound by distance
Unable to act on any impulse
A tourist in a hotel lobby
Transfixed at the bar
Given french fries in comfort
While watching a mother die
The winds blow
The water rises
The people suffer
The city is left to rot
Time aches for an uncertain future
Loved ones are scattered to the winds
This purgatory is all that’s left
This ache is all I know
I hold it together for her
I hold it in for myself
I hold out for the hope of home
And still I shed no tears.