I was a lonely child.
For years, I wished someone would keep me company- I ached from the pain of solitude. If someone did join me, I was so desperate for friendship that I didn’t even know how to enjoy what they had to offer. Inevitably, I would push them away through my never ending need for approval and devotion.
As the years went by, people came in and out of my life. I celebrated each time a bond was forged, and I grieved each time it was broken. I learned to not expect eternal companionship, but more to enjoy what each person had to offer me at that stage in my life, and what I could give them in return.
These days, I am incredibly blessed. I have friends who understand me. I have a family who accepts me. I have a love that is everything I need in a relationship.
But there is still the solitude.
Yet after years of pushing it away, I've learned to embrace it.
Moving out here, I was thrust in a situation where I had no one to count on for whiling away the hours. I learned to branch out in the city while exploring inside of myself. I came to realize that what I used to fear- spending time completely alone- was what I most needed. How can you hope to offer complete friendship, acceptance and attention to others, if you can’t offer it to yourself?
So now, I’m about to enter a stage where I have constant company- and I find myself missing those endless hours alone. It’s not that I want to scorn my love. I just want to make sure and not scorn myself, the one person who I could always depend on.
It's a big decision and a big change. One that once has been made, can't be undone unless it is a severing from that person, typically speaking.
ReplyDeleteMake sure this is the right choice for you. I want you to be happy and not feel scorn for anyone. Including yourself.
I love you more then words can say.