Homesick

The city is in my blood.

The city is my Mother.

I have seen her in such beautiful blooms, draped in magnolias and crowned with stars. I have seen her crawling, bleeding and broken with feeble gasps of pain. I see her in that quiet space, the pause before creation. I see her.

Her roots are in me. I am tethered, tied to her. My thoughts are held prison by all that she is. Her music, that blend of joy and sorrow. Her taste, of the ocean and tradition. Her laughter, the careening notes of the steamboat pipes. Her secrets, the countless streets and alleys bedecked with color and noise and mystery. All these things, they haunt me.

She is my muse. I could write a sonnet, a haiku, an ode to her every single day. Nothing will ever truly express how I feel for her. These consonants and syllables are so hollow, they scatter when I attempt to gather them up, a bouquet of my sentiments.

I will be eternally vulnerable to any mention of her, any vision, any reference. I will always ache for her. I will always love her.

She is my most secret hidden heart. Wandering the corridors of my bloodstream. Pulsing with every breath I take.

The city is in me.

Overcast glee

A Haiku for today’s weather

The sky hangs heavy

Bloated clouds in shades of grey

Somber, cold morning

This is the kind of weather that makes me want to:

A) Wrap myself up in a fluffy blanket and drink hot tea

B) Take the metro to the heart of the city and people-watch

C) Take lots of pictures

It so rarely rains out here, that when it finally does, I get overwhelmed and can’t figure out how to celebrate it. While I was taking out the garbage this morning, I got distracted by my apartment building’s landscaping- it’s nothing special, but the combination of low lighting, the glistening raindrops clinging to the leaves, and the chill in the air… I felt like I was on the edge of a magical forest. I’m still beating myself up over the fact that I didn’t take any pictures! Hopefully it’ll rain again and I can get some shots after work. I can just imagine my neighbors’ reactions- “Why is that girl standing in the back alley and taking pictures of ferns?...”

Solitary Contentment

I was a lonely child.

For years, I wished someone would keep me company- I ached from the pain of solitude. If someone did join me, I was so desperate for friendship that I didn’t even know how to enjoy what they had to offer. Inevitably, I would push them away through my never ending need for approval and devotion.

As the years went by, people came in and out of my life. I celebrated each time a bond was forged, and I grieved each time it was broken. I learned to not expect eternal companionship, but more to enjoy what each person had to offer me at that stage in my life, and what I could give them in return.

These days, I am incredibly blessed. I have friends who understand me. I have a family who accepts me. I have a love that is everything I need in a relationship.

But there is still the solitude.

Yet after years of pushing it away, I've learned to embrace it.

Moving out here, I was thrust in a situation where I had no one to count on for whiling away the hours. I learned to branch out in the city while exploring inside of myself. I came to realize that what I used to fear- spending time completely alone- was what I most needed. How can you hope to offer complete friendship, acceptance and attention to others, if you can’t offer it to yourself?

So now, I’m about to enter a stage where I have constant company- and I find myself missing those endless hours alone. It’s not that I want to scorn my love. I just want to make sure and not scorn myself, the one person who I could always depend on.

Shoes

I have a thing for shoes. I'm not in the minority with that statement, though.

This post is devoted to shoes that I could drool over all day, and will never be able to afford.

*sigh*