Tuesday, November 29, 2011
And the only company the house had was ghosts
I had gone in on a recovery mission
Hoping to find something among the ashes
There on a table, surrounded by debris and dust
A sketchbook of yours, pristine and untouched
Inside, I found a reflection
Myself, in sketches, memories, and photos
All the angles, all the colors, all the textures
Black and blonde and red hair
Dresses made of feathers and velvet and lace
Sunsets on the beach, parties in the kitchen
I saw my youth in all its vibrant glory
All my mistakes and rewards
I gazed at the proof of my former beauty and foolishness
Then searched for you so I could return it
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Time Passing
To pace the sweeping melody of the strings
My lungs contract, expand, fill, release
As if to absorb every note flowing through the music
I am dizzy, I am spellbound, I am lost
Moved by such elegant beauty
To the point where seconds cease to pass
And I am invisible to the world
This moment of stilled storm
As my heart aches with joy
My eyes glaze and drift shut
My soul is quiet and at peace.
Mapping
Mentally navigating past haunts and favorites
These geographic daydreams of mine
Help temper the bitter distance of miles and years
Making my way through varied neighborhoods
From Frenchman to Decatur to Canal
Winding along River Road to Clearview
Downtown to Uptown to Metairie to Kenner
I could spend hours driving through my hometown
Noting missed spots for future reference
Shying away from unnecessary landmarks and memories
Taking my time refreshing my internal maps
Friday, September 9, 2011
Entertaining after the fact
As he feels the muscles, tries to ease the pain
He freezes, fingers tense
Fearing he caused the crooked bones
We perch at the end of the hallway
Misshapen forms in leather, vinyl, velvet
I see a monster lurching toward me
Is it real? An illusion brought about by chemicals?
A giant with a stretched face
Fetish gear and whips
Only later do I find out
He was Chewbacca
Spending hours in a darkened room
Illustrating spirit animals while listening to harmonious violence
A lovely girl goes to use the bathroom
And doesn’t exit for hours
She is in the elevator to hell
We are the demons who tempt and torture her
She is Adam, she is Eve
She is the Beginning and the End
We careen through the Quarter
Alligator dragons
RBG monsters on bicycles
Melting faces of mimes once beloved
A friend thought lost
Finds his way to us
Across the city
Following the trail of feathers
We travel to the Gulf
Hold court in a minivan
Journey across the sand
A desert made of dead infants
Crying out, faces in agony
I keep my eyes on the distance
So as to not look down
When I step on their noses
Monday, August 29, 2011
Reminisce
6 Years
Helpless to all but observation
A spectator, bound by distance
Unable to act on any impulse
A tourist in a hotel lobby
Transfixed at the bar
Given french fries in comfort
While watching a mother die
The winds blow
The water rises
The people suffer
The city is left to rot
Time aches for an uncertain future
Loved ones are scattered to the winds
This purgatory is all that’s left
This ache is all I know
I hold it together for her
I hold it in for myself
I hold out for the hope of home
And still I shed no tears.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
I carry your memory always
A light against the darkness
A shield against the pain
You are with me
I see you in the stars
Feel you in the wind
Taste you in the salt water sea
You are with me
The hours we have spent, the blood in my veins
The laughter we have shared, each beat of my heart
The tears we have wept, the lines on my face
You are with me
Your living was a gift
Your leaving was a sacrifice
Your absence is a reminder of my love for you
Friday, August 12, 2011
Past Moments
They hang around, taunting me
Little reminders of the past
Little scars to pick at
Wandering darkened cities of death
My own personal paparazzo
Cloistered in the delinquents’ hangout
Sketching ink and follicle
Dancing angels in abandoned garages
While tears meet sweat-sticky skin
Open empty hours by the phone
Counting seconds marching into the night
Dancing round each other and the issues
Moving against each other in defiance
My first gift of velvet and dangerous metal
The final goodbye of bitter pixilated regret
Wandering the labyrinth of wood and paper
Hoping to avoid you and your new love
Wandering the grid of glittering cobblestones
Hoping to forget you, my love
Nights perched on the edge of the gutter
Weaving through crowds with abandon
My Quarter consort and companion
My treacherous jester, deceitful and cruel
That first moment of discovery
Painting the hair of a militant prankster
That first moment of realization
With stars, tattered cloth, and salty air
The final moment of pretense
Where I called you out and you shut me off
The final moment of waste
Such a long journey, so little time to spare
I remember all these things
What I once held so dear
Now I place them back on the shelf
And wander to a different space
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Sent behind bars for a crime he did not commit
You knew you would need the opportunity
“His time in prison will give me time to pay them back”
We stood at the edge where land meets air meets ocean
The cliff near our mansion by the sea
Crystal balls stood sentinel on the edge
Small nests held groups of clear globes
I would hold the larger ones to my chest
Then throw them towards the water
Watching them as they rolled down the dirt
And came to rest on the sand dunes
You asked me if I regretted moving to be near you
I turned to you and replied, “No.”
“The water echoes my meditation
Each breath is a wave rushing in and through me.”
Monday, July 25, 2011
Acute Discomfort
Betrays me without fail
My spine twists as if to break apart
Wrenching my muscles to tear
Each joint holds a promise to ache
Each nerve screams in agony
My stomach roils to sickness
While my chest tightens to crush
I do my best to calm the storm
Holding still and tense
Pushing down the rising panic
Relearning how to breathe
Waiting until this fades away
Trying to remember time without pain
Willing the tears back
Knowing this too shall pass
Sunday, July 24, 2011
All alone stood it, and the moss hung down from the branches;
Without any companion it grew there, uttering joyous leaves of dark green,
And its look, rude, unbending, lusty, made me think of myself;
But I wonder’d how it could utter joyous leaves, standing alone there, without its friend, its lover near—for I knew I could not;
And I broke off a twig with a certain number of leaves upon it, and twined around it a little moss,
And brought it away—and I have placed it in sight in my room;
It is not needed to remind me as of my own dear friends,
(For I believe lately I think of little else than of them;)
Yet it remains to me a curious token—it makes me think of manly love;
For all that, and though the live-oak glistens there in Louisiana, solitary, in a wide flat space,
Uttering joyous leaves all its life, without a friend, a lover, near,
I know very well I could not.
- Walt Whitman
While going through old journal posts, I found this- it perfectly stated what I was going through during a difficult time, and it's still one of my favorite poems. This will probably be the only time I post something I didn't write myself!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Sibling Pain
Pulling this connection to the breaking point
I am helpless to prevent the fracture
And it hurts me
I am a stranger to you
You are a mystery to me
We share needless silence
And it hurts me
The same blood flows through us
The same pain binds us
All this is useless in the face of your neglect
And it hurts me
I am muted, unable to tell you
I am ignored, unable to show you
We are not so different, you and I
And it hurts me
Opposing coasts, morning to night
Miles, hours, dreams, memories
All these crowd the space between us
And it hurts me
Mutual invalid insecurities
Keeping fingers from the phone
Pride and shame holding equal power
And it hurts me
Time is said to heal this
A future of reconciliation
But for now, all I can do is wait
And it hurts me
Monday, July 11, 2011
Cat Cranky
Woken up in dead of night
My cat is spiteful.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Sweet Surrender
Gold creeping along the edges
I feel this steady building
A heavy expansion from within
Gently pushing against my ribcage
Delicately tapping at the tip of my spine
Echoing through the caverns of my mind
Caressing my skin from within
Spreading this glinting sensation
As surely as the rays pierce the sky
Warming my nerves to tingle
Setting my flesh to blushing heat
My eyelids flutter against the sound
My muscles clench in languorous desire
Chills race across and through me
And I don’t even try to fight this
My fingers itch to express
My knuckles ache with emotion
My shoulders stretch to ease the tension
My neck drops in surrender
I know better than to focus
I give in to this sensation
The eternal hope of dawn
The constant relief of music
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Beautiful Trifecta
Sisters once strangers
Woken to all the wonders before unknown
Forging a bond made of loyalty and love
A shifting of weights and measure
So as to keep a divine balance
Strengths, weaknesses, knowledge
Sliding to and fro in a steady flow
Laughter, tears, smiles, fears
Shared readily and without shame
A hidden glance, a secret smirk
All part of the chosen language
We did not see this coming
It was not something I could have hoped for
An arrival, a greeting, a surprise
A story of gratitude, a poem of sweetness
These thoughts I pull around me
To shelter from the wind and storm
They are a steady comfort
When all seems lost and dark
We are the hidden sisters
Genetics and bloodlines
Traded for kindness and devotion
DNA switched with cream cheese icing
Eyes the colors of earth, sea and sky
Hair the colors of the sunset
Carving words from our minds
In ways different yet the same
We speak through lyrics
And sing through cell phones
We barter precious time
So it can be well spent in each other’s company
We challenge the distance
Traveling from valley to ocean to inland
Holding court where we can
And clutching the hours we are granted
The years are kind to us
We are the wine of stolen time
This glory we have found and fostered
Is cradled in our hearts and grows with each beat.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Vacation
Desperate to reach the heart of it all
Wrapping our arms around each other
Threading our fingers through the sticky sweet air
We raced to the hidden soul of the Quarter
Bypassing all the obvious choices
And searching for darkened taverns
Where we could start decadent adventures
Friends were found
Stories were told
Laughter was shared
And much was booze was imbibed
As the days bled on
And the nights bloomed
The streets were rediscovered
And alleys explored
We lurched through the crowd
Drinking sugary fermented sour
Twisting among the foreigners
And slipping past the familiars
We broke apart crustaceans red and succulent
Rent our teeth into meat cured and shaved and tender
Drank all the city could offer us and more
Frozen and iced and chilled and intoxicating
We held court all over the dirty glorious streets
Spending hours on the balcony drinking jack and coke
Sitting in dappled sunlight sipping from weather inspired concoctions
Lounging under deceitful stars near carousels confusing
New Orleans opened herself to us more fully than ever before
Sending gentle breezes and lazy clouds
While the river swelled with passion
As if to slip over the levee to caress us in dangerous pleasure
The ghosts came out to play
The gutter punks were more generous than friends
All was mischevious and surprising
And we greedily drank it all in
All these beautiful adventures
Trapped in my heart and mind
Glimpses of what I had and will always long for
Proof that She will never cease to amaze me
Friday, April 29, 2011
Black water
Propelling myself to the shore, gliding through water
Each time more difficult than the last
But still I fought the current and made my way
I return to strangers
Standing in the shallows
Taking pictures
Pushing for a better view
A man had his pistol
Aiming to take shot
His wife overcome with passion,
Presses herself to him
I look away for a brief moment
Sharing a moment with my mother
We stand apart from the crowd
Looking down on the scene
A small lake rises into the sky
With butterflies of every color sipping from the water
All these beautiful insects floating on the dark mirror
Gently fanning their wings back and forth
A floating oasis steadily drifting ever upward
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Homecoming
Grasping at strings and bringing tears to my eyes
She can tell I’m near and prepares for my arrival
With dreams, visions and fantasies
My soul floats between the two worlds
To where I’m uncertain as to my location
Do I careen among the palm trees
Or dance beneath shady oaks?
She waits for me, a bounty of love
Cobbled streets to tread
Loved ones to clasp my hands
Hours to while away in abandon
I see shadows of her in the heavy clouds
I hear the echo of her voice in the ocean
I feel her moist touch in the wind
My senses willingly betray me with their yearning for her presence
I am soon to see her
Soon to be welcomed in her embrace yet again
Yet each time the pain manifolds and manifests
When I once again tear myself away from her
To where my anticipation wars with regret
And I dread the trip equally as I desire
For I know it will be all too short
And my hours with her too limited
But I know she waits for me
Time is paid no heed
Love is as devoted as ever
For while she is in my heart, I am ever in hers
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Bejeweled
Slight frame topped with wild ringlets
Black leather, cotton and candy
Diminutive stature and sentiments
Then the form twists and shapes
Still slight, no longer shy
She shows her true nature
A vivid and vivacious badger child
Our friendship budded and bloomed
A string threaded through our souls
Creating a tapestry of love
Binding us together as kindred spirits and sisters
We careened through minimalist castles
Whispering snarky secrets and cackling mad
Reclining among graves and sipping on Hoya sweetness
We created microcosms wherever we went
The costumes we have played in
The roles we have slipped in and through
Dark sprites in shadowed chambers
Keepers of the magic mushroom missile
The adventures we have braved
The places we have gone
We have been cute, we have been dangerous
Spending hours in smoky lounges reeking of ambrosia
The city is our playground
And we gladly frolic through the urban jungle
Dancing wildly, laughing fearlessly
Our moments made eternal and our memories made legend.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Loveliness
Sublime segments of time where I feel so full
As if God poured all the joy in the world into me
A blessed vessel of unfiltered gratitude
All alone, without someone else to distract me
From the ideal emotions coursing through these veins
Taking communion with myself, the very best version of all I am
Blocking out all other thoughts save for those of unimaginable grace
We are the lucky ones, we who are self-aware
Facing all these factors and reflections
Acknowledging all we experience
And knowing they are nothing less than miracles
Rage and sorrow are more than “having a bad day”
Ecstasy and empathy are more than “seeing the good in things”
These emotional equations are beautiful and complex
They truly are what make life so worth living
I will gladly take the worst of them with the best
For while the dark days are bitter, the light moments are so sweet.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Devotion
These flames in my heart have been willingly tempered
So as to forge a blade to battle the years
You’ve resided in my soul for so long, a place worn familiar
So that even though miles divide us, I know you are near
You were placed so high on a pedestal that would cause vertigo
And would seem you were destined to fall and shatter in my sentiments
But I have made sure to provide steps for you to reach an equal level
So I can look straight at you and see you as you are
This evolution of our friendship, I wouldn’t trade it for the world
Never have I given so much calm effort and received so much in return
You know me, you know my flaws and struggles
So you know how hard I fight against myself to offer what I can
We have stalked the dark streets
We have wandered the sculptural landscape in dappled days
We have lost all we loved in water and wind
We have created new worlds in lands unknown
We have been divided by love and loss
We have been reunited by hope for a better future
No matter what happens in the days to come,
Know the days we have shared mean the world to me.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Elevated Signal
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Mardi Gras
Oh, take me to the Vieux Carre
Where the mad men run free and wild
I promise not to blush if you show me it all
And I promise I’ll dress in style
We can wage war in the streets
Over bright colored beads
And pretend they are made up of jewels
The horns, they will blare
And the tourists, they’ll stare
They’ll think we’re all made up of fools
But they won’t know the truth
Shared between me and you
That this is all so very fair
These days of halcyon glory
They tell only part of the story
And the rest only locals can share.
Back home, it’s a holiday.
Out here, it’s just another Tuesday.
And there’s something truly tragic about that.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Huntington
We set off to renew our promises
And catalogue new memories
The surreal landscape welcomed us
So that we could explore its mysteries
Dappled sunlight bathed us
And morning dew reflected all prism
I blinked and recorded all I could
While you led me through and through
Pointing out marvels many
We lost ourselves in the blinding labyrinth
And eavesdropped on scholarly converse
After, we escaped to reality
For sustenance physical and social
And imagined our possible empire
We came back and the world had changed
Crowded heat and heavy air
We rushed to discover hidden zen
And I gathered a pixilated bouquet for you
Fluffy pastel cloudy blooms all eager to fall
Carpeting the trail, crushed underfoot
We went as far as we could
Until the gathered shade was spent
And we shuffled our heavy feet home
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
.blank.
These thoughts are crowded in my head
Crammed tight to the point of silence
A wall of distraction keeping me from focus
Until all I can do is ……………
These limbs of mine are weighted
Held heavy to my side
The blood flows slower and still
Until all I can do is ……………..
These eyes of mine are glazed
Unable to hold ones gaze
Sliding across the landscape
Until all I can do is …………….
These words are becoming reluctant
Hiding shy behind my thoughts
My inspiration is fuzzy fading
Until all I can do is ……………
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine
I want to be in love with the world
And I want to take you with me
Grab your hand, lead you
To where the stars collapse
And the sun is merely a megawatt lightbulb
I want you to taste each moment
I want to you to feel all my thoughts
I want you to realize there’s so much more than this moment
These tears are not of sadness,
They are born of frustration
That I am unable to express all these desires to you
All I can do is open my arms wide
Desperate to embrace this world
Reach my fingers out
To grasp each dimension
I breathe in all the hidden wishes
Floating in the air, blown out with each wistful sigh
And I try to sing out the lyrics
Words of love, devotion, shame, rage, passion
So that I can play them back
And know all the beauty there is around me.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Pearl
The sea’s passionate kiss
Rushing in until all is full of salt and spray
Held tight in secret embrace
Tasted, treasured, kept hidden from all
Sheltered until pried out
Plucked and polished and caressed to gleam
Set atop a molten crown
Clutched tight in mysterious grasp
Such a small little moon
With hidden colors glistening
Subtle lights reflecting
Off of the creamy milk surface
Monday, January 24, 2011
We were of a mind to tell the future
So we gathered from far off corners
So as to renew bonds
And strike new confidences
We feasted on juicy bejeweled crowns
Spiced meats mysterious
Bloody fruits and muddled flowers
Handmade comforts tasting of love
The cards were drawn with bated breath
Liberty, Bondage, Nature, Defeat, Innocence
We rationalized fate
And challenged preconceived notions
“A card is thin sliced paper,
Too fragile to hold such a heavy burden”
Though words made light of shadows
Fear still holds quite a weight
Thus we keep an eye on the horizon
So as to avoid deadly pitfalls
And cling to like minds
Who will understand our trepidation
I dance away my concerns
With music made poetic
I write off my doubts
With words made lyrical
This is all I can hope
The year will be well
My actions will be wise
I will not fall to self-fulfilling prophecy.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Love Poem to Oneself
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Mental Claustrophobia
The walls inch ever closer
My shoulders twitch
My temples throb
Fingers itching for a way out
All is helpless panic
I drop to my knees
Drag my hands across the floor
Tears blinding me
Searching for a backdoor I might have missed
I clench my eyes
Tighten my fists
I must break through
Find a new tomorrow
One I can control
I must do this for myself
A disciplined action
To counterbalance
Endless selfish gestures
Step by step
Drag myself through
Little by little
Until the end is in sight
I have just started.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Jealousy Playlist
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Rambling
Saturday, January 8, 2011
The sky stretches out into eternity, the mountains cradle the skyline
While salted winds playfully collide among the palm trees
Even though the ground is barren, I have sprouted roots
I no longer need spanish moss to tether me to my love for a city
I have strong and stable footing, the gravity of my confidence anchors every step
I look to the sky for comfort
Its innocent blue, sunsets the color of easter, sunrises the texture of creation
The ominous yellow creeping low against the hills
the mirror that is the ocean, where light refracts in neverending waves
I look to myself for strength
My heart is filled to the brim with glorious love
The curve of my spine cradles all the butterflies in my stomach
My soul is strong and sure in the knowledge that I follow a clear path
I look to the city for inspiration
The lofty hills and their view of all that is laid out before me
The rolling and rocking of the Metro and its invitation to hidden treasures
The countless cultures and their coy demonstrations of influence
There is so much here, if you only allow yourself to see it
It's difficult to fall in love with this city, it's all too easy to desire it
But there's so much more than the streets heavy with dreams of fame
And the flashing lights of glory and lust
There is music and there is laughter and there is beauty
All you have to do is gently search it out
Thursday, January 6, 2011
War
My love fought and twisted and struggled
Til my skin ached and my bones were broken
A boiling riptide of anger swept through my veins
Til I was flushed with pain and shame
These secrets built up, all the skeletons hidden away
Til I could no longer share my thoughts, for fear of what would be revealed
The ties bound me, Your words blinded me, My love held prisoner
For years I held against hope
And nights I held it all in
Until I could bear no more
And I gave up all the wishes and dreams I had of a life lived with you
So I could make new ones of a life lived for myself
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Annoyance
These thoughts need to be curbed
Racing faster and faster in dangerous circles
This heart needs to slow
Beating as if to break free
These hands need to be still
Shaking, shimmering, clenched white
Close my eyes
Slow breaths
Calm mind
Seek control
This shall pass
Time is inescapable, a mixed blessing
Give in to this moment with grace
And know that it is not forever
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Day to Night
The day loses to the night
Gracefully sliding away
Leaving behind neon tracers
Glowing bright against the horizon
Before bleeding into the inky sky
The day loses to the night
Taken like a lover’s kiss
Pulled away from the warmth
Sheltered in the eclipse
Adored by starry skies
The day loses to the night
Every sundown, its dying breath
Slipping past all it has known
Lost to another cycle of oblivion
The day loses to the night
The moon reigns regal
The shadows flood the cities
All is deep and still and dark
Until the night loses to the dawn